


It hurts

by Anonymous



Series: My projecting fics! [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29299545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Tw// This does contain suicidal thoughts,self harm, blood, vomit, pills, a blade.(There is no actually suicide though but there is a failed attempt)Tubbo has a crush on Tommy, which of course is bad because Tommy's straight and Tommy is his best friend.Tubbo tries his best to not let it get in the way until it does.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: My projecting fics! [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2124009
Kudos: 16
Collections: Anonymous





	It hurts

**Author's Note:**

> This is me kinda projecting my feelings onto Tubbo.  
> This is very angsty so don't read this if you don't feel like being sad!

Tubbo was sitting in his room, in the dark and the only light was coming from his computer screen, where he and Tommy were in a call but Tommy had fallen asleep and that left Tubbo up and awake, thinking. He didn't like thinking. He sometimes wished he couldn't think. Thinking hurt too much, especially if it was this type of thinking.  
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair and leaned back in his chair looking at his screen. He heard quiet breathing coming from Tommy and he closed his eyes and just sat listening. He opened his eyes and stared at his reflection in the computer screen, he was a mess. And they were...tears? When did he start crying? He wiped his face but the tears kept coming down, so he left them. And just let himself cry. He didn't like crying, he thought it made him weak. He opened his eyes again. When did he close them again? He looked at his screen again and the call was ended and he looked towards his window. 'Oh. It's daytime when did that happen?'  
He looked at his messages from Tommy and there was one new message.

Tommyinnit: Hey Big T! You were asleep when I woke up and I didn't wanna wake you up so I just left! Sorry! I'll talk to you later! Love you!

He smiled at his message. But his thoughts caught him in the act.  
'He doesn't actually love you. He's your friend, that's the only reason he says that.'  
Tubbo sighed and put his head in his hands. He wished his thoughts could be on his side just this once. He brought his head up again and looked at the time. '12:00' He read.  
He sighed again and closed out of his discord and shut his computer off. He got up and rubbed his eyes, grabbing his phone he went through his new notifications.  
'Nothing new or interesting yet again huh?'  
He groaned and went into his the restroom and looked in the mirror.  
His hair was messy and his face had tear stains. He sighed and got undressed and got into the shower. He turned it on and put it on hot, not so hot but hot enough.  
(I'm just gonna like skip past this part because yeah)

He walked into his room and got dressed(Idk if you guys care but green long sleeve and some jeans)  
He sat down at my computer and turned it on. He opened up twitch to see if anyone was live and no one was.  
'Should I stream early? It's 1:30 will anyone want to watch?' Tubbo shook his head and decided against it.  
He decided to just edit for a couple hours.  
(Another skip because idk how editing goes)  
Tubbo rubbed his eyes and closed out his editing software.  
He opened discord and saw a couple of notifications from Tommy

Tommyinnit: I'm gonna stream in a few do you wanna join?  
Tommyinnit: Just let me know if you want to and I'll tell you when I go live!  
He sighed and groaned.  
He really didn't feel like putting on the mask today but he really didn't have a choice because he doesn't wanna let him down.

Tubbo: Yeah sure Big man!  
The reply was almost immediate.

Tommyinnit: Okay pog Big T! I'm gonna go live in like 30 minutes!

Tubbo: Okay!

He put his hands in his head, a few tears spilling out. He really really didn't feel like being on Tommy's stream but he would try his best for Tommy. He wiped his eyes and let out a slight exhale. He could do this. Besides it'll probably only be for an hour or two.  
(I'm gonna skip the whole stream part but dw worry you'll get his thoughts)  
I left the call with Tommy and I let out a sob. Fuck. I hate crying. Why am I crying? The stream went good. But I kept almost slipping up. I almost told Tommy I loved him. Like loved him. Oh god. I almost ruined everything. I'm sorry.  
He closed out of everything and turned off his computer and walked to his bed and layed down on his back. Letting his thoughts consume him.  
You're so stupid. You almost told him that. I can't believe you.  
You need to be better. If you told him, your friendship would be ruined.  
He closed his eyes and fell asleep. He later woke up and felt terrible. He picked his phone up and the time was 6:24 pm and he sighed and rubbed his eyes. He opened up Twitter and tweeted

@Tubbolive: Hey guys, no stream today! I have a pretty bad headache but I promise there's gonna be a stream tomorrow! Sorry, love you all!

He turned off his phone and put it beside him. He didn't wanna stream tomorrow either. But he has to. He looked at the ceiling, his thoughts creeping in. 'You know..you don't HAVE to stream tomorrow?' I-i don't? 'Of course not! You just have to do one thing!' Well, could you tell me what that thing is?' 'It's very simple. Just leave. You know what I mean. Leave this world. Leave everything. Your life would be so much better.' B-but what about my parents? And friends? And my cat? I can't just leave them.. 'Oh you silly boy..they don't care about you..' They don't? 'Of course not. No one cares about you. Not even you.' Oh. 'They'll be fine without you. You know what to do. Go to your drawer and grab it. And then go to the restroom and everything will play out from there.' O-okay. He got up and walked to his drawer and dug underneath some things and he found.. A blade and some pills. Oh. Right. He forgot about these. He grabbed them and grabbed his phone and walked into the restroom. He locked the door and sat on the floor, he opened up his discord messages with Tommy and started typing to him. Tubbo: Tommy I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of everything and everyone. Everyones life will be so much easier without me. I'm sorry Tommy. I love you..I really do.. *THIS IS WHERE THE SUICIDE ATTEMPT IS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT THAT IS OKAY ITS NOT REQUIRED ILL PUT TWO ** WHEN ITS OKAY TO READ AGAIN* He turned his phone down and sat it down. 'Good. You have everything you need now. Take the pills.' He opened the pills, his hands shaking a bit. He poured some into his hand and just stared at them. Am I really gonna do this? Tears fell down his face quickly and he tried his best to wipe some away but failed. He opened his mouth and put the pills in his mouth and swallowed them as fast as he could and when they were all down he grabbed more and did it again. *THIS IS A LITTLE DETAILED SELF HARM SO DONT READ IF YOU DONT WANT TO* He grabbed the blade and brought it to his wrist and pressed down softly, it was cold. He took a deep breath in and moved it quickly across his wrist and he felt an intense stinging and dropped the blade and brought his other hand to his mouth to keep himself from wincing. He looked down at his wrist and small droplets of blood slowly came out of the wound he had made on himself. He looked down the rest of his arm and saw the other scars of him doing this other times. He grabbed the blade and sliced again and again and again. Making more and more lines on his skin until he stopped because he felt sick. Really sick. He put his head over the toilet and let all the contents out of his stomach and into the toilet. He stayed like that for a minute until he stopped. He wiped his mouth and got up slowly and shakily. He looked into the mirror and he saw his face. His face was red and he was slightly sweaty and his hair was messy. He looked at his arm and he saw so many lines and blood dripping slowly into his hand. He stared at his arm for a minute and put the water on and started cleaning it softly. When he was down he grabbed some bandages from under his sink and wrapped his arm. He had done this so many times, he was already pretty good at it. He looked at the ground and it had some blood there too. He cleaned it quickly and put the tissue in the toilet and flushed it. ** He cleaned the blade off and grabbed the pills and blade and his phone and walked into his room quickly and stuffed blade and pills into his drawer quickly. He took off his green long sleeve and put on a blue shirt and put on some shorts. He walked out of his room and to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and sped walked to his room trying to make sure no one saw him.

He got in his room and closed it. He sat on his bed and took a couple drinks of water and grabbed his phone and putting on some of Tommy's videos. Tommy always made him feel better.  
He set his water down and lays down and puts his phone by him. He closes his eyes and let's himself fall asleep. He wakes up at nighttime and checks his phone. Great it's dead.

He plugged it in and waited until it could turn on, once it could turn on he quickly went to his and Tommy's dms to see what he had responded and there was...nothing excepta little check mark next to Tubbos message indicating that Tommy had read it. Oh. Well maybe he just forgot to respond..yeah. Forgot.  
'Why do you never listen to me? I told you he doesn't care about you.'  
I know.  
'Your so stupid sometimes. You have to remember no one cares about you. You're a waste of space.'  
I know. I'm sorry.  
He felt tears prick at his eyes and started rubbing them furiously, trying to make sure he doesn't cry. He picked up his phone again and messaged Tommy again.

Tubbo: Just wanted to let you know I'm okay. If you were wondering, sorry for bothering you.

He put his phone back down and decided to do a late night stream. That would make him feel better.  
He got up and went to his pc and turned it on, while he waited for it to turn on he went on Twitter on his phone and tweeted out.

Tubbolive: Hey guys! Decided to do a late night stream with no face cam, come and hang out with me!

He put his phone on silent and set it down and started setting up for his stream.  
(Another time skip lol. Can you tell I'm trying to speed run this kinda?)  
He clicked end stream and sighed, rubbing his eyes. That did make him feel a bit better. He grabbed his phone and saw a notification from Tommy.  
He opened it quickly and it said.

Tommy: Okay. I'm glad.

Tubbo felt his heart hurt slightly and he turned off his phone.  
I guess Tommy really doesn't care huh?  
'I told you. Did I not?'  
Yeah you did but I guess a part of me thought maybe he actually cared but no. He doesn't.  
'No one cares. Especially not him.'  
I know that now.  
(Another time skip but like a week or so)  
Him and Tommy still haven't talked normally only on stream.  
Tubbo had been having such a shit week and turned to Tommy for some reason.

Tubbo: Tommy I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking tired of everything. I just want to be happy. I just wish that people cared about me. I want to just die Tommy. Why can't I be happy?

Tommy: Tubbo you're so fucking selfish. Their are people literally fucking homeless and without food and a home everyday and you have a loving family, food, a roof over your head and access to clean water.

Tubbo had read that message and tears fell down his face faster than any other time. What..Tommy?  
Tubbo turned his phone off and threw it on his bed and ran to a corner in his room and cried there for a few hours before he fell asleep.  
He awoke and it was pitch black in his room. He felt so tired. He wanted to go back to sleep.  
Tubbo got up and walked to his bed and grabbed his phone and went onto his messages with Tommy and saw that message from Tommy again and tears filled his eyes again but he fought against them falling and sent Tommy one message.

Tubbo: I'm sorry.  
He went onto Tommy's contact and blocked him. He went onto his pc and blocked Tommy on every other social media he could think of and posted on Twitter.

Tubbolive: Hey guys me and Tommy as of recent are not friends anymore. Please don't bring him up in donos or in stream chat. I won't say what happened but if he tells you what happened then that's up to him. Thank you guys for understanding. Love you all <3

Tubbo got off his pc and turned it off and layed back down and took a deep breath in and closed his eyes. This was for the best.  
That night Tubbo fell asleep, happy for once and without his feelings for Tommy.

**Author's Note:**

> That's the end of this fic! I hope you guys enjoyed this. It took a bit and it's(mostly) based off things that have actually happened. Tubbo is supposed to represent me and Tommy represents an old Toxic best friend who I was in love with a while ago.  
> Also follow my Twitter! @Awesamdudetwt


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